‘My heads spinning, boy I’m in a daze
I feel isolated, don’t want to communicate
I’ll take a shower, I will scour
I will roam
To find peace of mind
The happy mind
I once owned”
10.45pm, 12.05, 1.50am, 2.15am……..tv on at 3.05am, downstairs 3.50am. How I didn’t smother her God only knows, mind you she’s stronger than me so I would need quite a few Weetabix to ‘do the job’!
She’s happy, I’m irritated by her, she’s smiling at me, I smile back (still don’t like her though)……………..
Yesterday in work I read a poster someone had put up raising awareness for Autism through a ‘fancy dress theme’, great I thought but then the more I thought about it the more I felt jealous…… lonely, ridiculous isn’t it, jealous of parents with autistic children……what’s wrong with me? My reasoning (to me) is simple, Daisy doesn’t ‘belong’ in any group, whether it be Autism, Downs, Cerebal Palsy, Retts etc. she has no link; she has no friends, in fact since being a toddler, she has never (let me think) no, never been invited to a birthday party and that breaks my heart. Having no diagnosis is very difficult, there are no answers and we as a family are just expected to ‘get on with it’. We are not experts in caring, and I certainly am no saint but my life has become this monotonous roundabout of just making sure Roo is kept content, I don’t want her to be uncomfortable or unhappy or hungry or in pain, but because she can’t communicate all my efforts are guess work and its tiresome, extremely tiresome.
But, hey, onwards and upwards, it’s Friday and that means curry!
“Never ever have I felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I felt so sad
The way I’m feeling, you got me feeling really bad”