Never Ever

‘My heads spinning, boy I’m in a daze

I feel isolated, don’t want to communicate

I’ll take a shower, I will scour

I will roam

To find peace of mind

The happy mind

I once owned”

10.45pm, 12.05, 1.50am, 2.15am……..tv on at 3.05am, downstairs 3.50am.  How I didn’t smother her God only knows, mind you she’s stronger than me so I would need quite a few Weetabix to ‘do the job’!

She’s happy, I’m irritated by her, she’s smiling at me, I smile back (still don’t like her though)……………..

Yesterday in work I read a poster someone had put up raising awareness for Autism through a ‘fancy dress theme’, great I thought but then the more I thought about it the more I  felt jealous…… lonely, ridiculous isn’t it, jealous of parents with autistic children……what’s wrong with me?  My reasoning (to me) is simple, Daisy doesn’t ‘belong’ in any group, whether it be Autism, Downs, Cerebal Palsy, Retts etc. she has no link; she has no friends, in fact since being a toddler, she has never (let me think) no, never been invited to a birthday party and that breaks my heart.  Having no diagnosis is very difficult, there are no answers and we as a family are just expected to ‘get on with it’.  We are not experts in caring, and I certainly am no saint but my life has become this monotonous roundabout of just making sure Roo is kept content, I don’t want her to be uncomfortable or unhappy or hungry or in pain, but because she can’t communicate all my efforts are guess work and its tiresome, extremely tiresome.

But, hey, onwards and upwards, it’s Friday and that means curry!

“Never ever have I felt so low

When you gonna take me out of this black hole

Never ever have I felt so sad

The way I’m feeling, you got me feeling really bad”

6 thoughts on “Never Ever

  1. Sending big cwtchest to you and Doobys. .you do an absolutely amazing job Annie, bringing Daisy up mostly by yourself when Nick and Harvey are away is a mammoth job and I totally admire the strength and determination you have ensuring Daisy’s happiness in life…as I know how wonderfully challenging Princess Daisy can be on times! Lol.. and it’s somethinges I actually miss, now that I no longer work with her. ..but reading your blog everyday allows me to touch based with her .😆

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  2. No human being should have to endure this type of existence. Your love for Daisy is blatantly clear but surely there must be more support out there for you. If not its a disgrace. I take my hat off to you and admire your devotion so much.

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  3. I understand your jealousy. We all need a sense of belonging and support and you don’t seem to have it. Writing is a great release and you express yourself so well. I hope you have found support among the blogging community.

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    1. Thank you for your comment, as you can probably tell, I’m no ‘writer’ and don’t have a clue about the ‘blogging world’ but it gives me something to do rather than sit and feel miserable. I would love to ask you, how do I get my posts out into the blogging world? Is there something I could do to get them noticed?

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