I can’t quite believe it, Daisy only woke once, around 2am, she has slept …….whoop whoop, clap clap! Seeing 5.31am lit up on the bedside table – what joy!
Maybe today will be a good day? I’ve actually been dreading today you see Daisy has no carer’s to help any more; I used to get help after school for two nights and on a Saturday but Daisy finished the last two carer’s off! They just couldn’t manage her! Ridiculous I know but I had better not say too much as my gobby mouth could get me in trouble. I do get respite five nights a month but the nights never come when you need them, this week is a great example. I also feel incredibly anxious and guilty when I drop Daisy to respite – I really don’t know if she’s happy there, I hope so but I’m just not comfortable. Do others care for her kindly? Do they give her the attention she craves? Do they understand her? I know the answer is probably yes to all my doubts but it makes no difference to how I feel.
Daisy should be ‘out with her mates’ in town on a Saturday. She should be in MAC with a group of giggling girls trying on lipsticks and having slug-like eyebrows drawn on her face; she should be refusing to get out of bed, she should hate me (well she might, but I’ll never know), she should be crying over boys, crying over girls but no, today Daisy will be with me, her mum, something a nearly 16 year old girl would not do on a Saturday unless they were clothes shopping. I grieve for the girl I haven’t got and then I feel guilty for wanting her to be different – but I do, I want her to be ‘normal’. People always say to me “you wouldn’t change her” – yes, yes I would, in a heartbeat. I also feel so sad for the sister I have given her brother, he’s missed out, that’s heartbreaking; and my husband doesn’t have a daughter, he has a ‘Roo”, a giant baby who wears nappies and sucks a dummy.
My anxiety has always been a hurdle with respite but I am grateful and have to just accept that I need a break but it is difficult.
So my plans for today are, after the morning struggle to dress and medicate madam:
- Take Daisy for a drive to Starbucks drive-through……she loves the ride, I love the coffee.
- Wash her bedding, and – wait for it – hang it on the line!
- Cut the lawns with my new Gtech cordless mower, no more shackled to a socket for me! (Daisy will shadow me for the whole time, she loves the mower (and the hoover) and will probably moo and quack at any passing dogs.)
- Another drive in the car to collect a MacDonalds (her treat for a Saturday), what a bad parent I am!
- Medication laced teacake
- Take her to respite at 3.15.
- Guilt, guilt, guilt.
- Take my mother for a meal for Mother’s Day.
- Want to slit my throat after meal with Mother
Oh, shit, must go…………’Poo..trastophy’