I haven’t written for a while, no excuses. What have you missed? in a word ‘nothing’. That’s the thing you see. Nothing changes, it’s just the same old sh*t week after week. Ridiculously early mornings, an annoying silent and incredibly irritating child who demands constant attention slowly draining me.
As you can guess, I’m in a rotten mood today. It was 3.46am when I gave up trying to get Daisy back to sleep. I stupidly thought I would have a better night as the temperature had dropped to 26 in her room and she didn’t look like she was melting for the first time this week, I was wrong!. She was clapping, pointing to the tv for about twenty minutes, pulling me, tugging me, pinching and clearly she had a death wish so I thought rather than having to explain to the police why I’d murdered my daughter with a large plastic Iggle Piggle, I’d better splash my face with cold water and face another day of ‘living the dream’.
Daisy is sat with me on the sofa. She is surrounded by toys she can’t play with and books she can’t read. Rip, yes, read, no. They are repeatedly thrust into my face to wind and press. Fireflies is playing on repeat on her iPod, it’s a tune that is constant, I hate it but I don’t really hear it anymore, it’s just always there, in the background, tapping away at my patience, waiting for me to snap! Today she wants ‘me’. Not a great day to want ‘me’ as I’m grouchy but as she grabs my hand to wind her Fimbles toy, I look at her and feel such sadness that at 16 years old, this is her life. She is stuck in Groundhog Day. She is happy, I’m sad. She gives me a grin and a wiggle.
Over the past few weeks Daisy has had good days and bad days. Seizures , unidentified illness requiring probably unnecessary antibiotics, aggressive unprovoked behaviors, hospital appointments, dental appointment (unsuccessful), me constantly saying sorry for outbursts (not mine, hers), stripping (not me, her), more bedding washing than you’d think is humanly possible, voluntary nil by mouth days, anything-that-fits-into-her-mouth-and -can-be-swollowed-days, constipated days, complete bowel evacuation days, silent days, high pitched screaming days,.
It’s 5am now. madam is ‘yum yumming ‘, best not keep her waiting or she’ll punch herself in the snout. So there we have it, as I said, nothing changes, same old sh*t, different day.