Sorry will never be enough x

I’m not sure how to begin, I’m devastated, so Daisy this is for you if you are ever able to understand…….

Mummy is so so sorry. I should have taken better care of you. I couldn’t bear you getting upset and hitting yourself so I always gave up trying, this has and will be the biggest regret of my life, I don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve to be stuck with me. I have let you down in the most appalling way and I am never ever going to forgive myself. My heart is broken. This cannot be fixed.

You were so happy going into hospital, singing, clapping. It was just supposed to be a check up of your teeth under general anesthesia as you’re such a little bugger and no dentist has ever managed an examination any other way. I have made sure you get to see the dentist at the hospital every six months of your life even though it’s always such a bloody difficult appointment you see you just won’t tolerate tooth brushing so just a blob of toothpaste on your dummy has been the norm for all these years. Nothing ever gets said apart from “continue what you’re doing, all looks ok as far as we can see”. You see, you’re different to other children and even hospital specialists don’t quite care enough, don’t know how to manage you.

The dentist who would be doing all necessary treatment in theatre met with us, you wouldn’t let her near you let alone your mouth She advised she would do any work necessary once you were knocked out, I agreed, anything to make you comfortable and happy, I signed the consent. 

Administering the anaesthetic was very difficult to witness. You struggled, we had lost your trust, your eyes told me. You escaped from the grip of four adults. We paused. Switching hands and all manner of distractions, you finally went to sleep.

Approximately one hour we were told so alarm bells should have rung when we were still waiting three hours later. Assuming you’d had a seizure we went to cuddle you in recovery. An oxygen mask covered your face, your mouth was covered with blood, lips huge, a sad, pitiful figure. My baby.

Me and your dad kissed you. Harvey waited outside. We all love you so much, we all care so much. Then came the words that will haunt me for the rest of my life, a nurse handed over to a recovery medic, 21 teeth have been removed. 21.

The dentist appeared and said she no choice, you have been through too many anaesthetic procedures in your short life and this was for the best, you will adapt. She left saying you must have been in awful pain, I didn’t know, I’m your mother and I didn’t know.

You are now clearly in pain, your eyes are telling me, if only you could talk you could tell me how much you hate me for what I’ve agreed to and you’d be right to. Daisy I am truly devastated and my tears will probably never dry up.  I’m hoping that by writing this I can look back in weeks, months, years and get comfort that this has been the best decision for you but something is telling me it’s not.  You have very few pleasures in your little life, yum yums is one of them and that has been so cruelly taken away. You have struggled so much today, I can’t believe this will get better, I’m distraught. I’m broken.

Sorry x

2 thoughts on “Sorry will never be enough x

  1. Annie and family, you’ve done everything you possibly could for Daisy, please don’t beat yourself up! You couldn’t have known, sending hugs xxxx

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  2. Oh Annie don’t beat yourself up just think of the pain you have saved her, she is a real fighter and you will all get through this. All my love to you all and if you want, give me a ring would love to talk to you. Just remember the amazing life you have given her already and now no more pain when she gets over this. Xxxx

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